Stumbling Blind

I wish people were more open with each other.
If you want to give me mixed signals or a list of options that’s fine - I will act upon it. If you don’t get the response you desired, fair enough - I think it would have made more sense to be more direct in the first instance but maybe you like to be spontaneous.
But what you shouldn’t do is, in the light of the fact that you could even just possibly be leading me on, is take so long to get back to me. If you want it, act fast because the flames are damn near dying. Otherwise tell me you don’t so I can move on, I do have standards you know.

I’m so sick of myself, this pathetic loneliness. I go out all the time, I have friends but I find it so difficult to relate to anyone. I come from such a different background, I’ve had to stretch myself so far to get away from the shy, coy, naive boy that I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, the benefits have been massive and I think moving so far away from home was the right choice but amidst all these people I still feel alone. I look back upon when I’ve been in relationships and those times are probably the most whole I’ve felt, those few people have really gotten to know me. I don’t necessarily want a girlfriend, I just want to feel close to… at least a few people - I have so many “friends” but no close friendship group. I don’t know what it is about me that people find so difficult to get, why does it take them so long? It’s not that I’m hiding anything. Maybe it’s because I’m not a very touch-feely (I really can’t stand that phrase) person, I was given advice that I should make more close friends who are ‘girls’, most guys I know that have friends like that are very comfortable with physical contact. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends who are girls on facebook have “liked”: You’re not best friends until you’ve spooned. Shit, is that what people do to feel close these days or am I overthinking things (I probably am)? Maybe I’m just timid, old-fashioned. I don’t know, at least I’m making progress. One day I might have my breakthrough. I’m 22 though, this is something I should have been going through when I was 18. Damn strict Christian dogma fucking my brain up. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to going home for Christmas. I miss my parents so much, I haven’t seen my dad and step-mum since Easter, and the last time I saw my mum was over Summer but only for a week. I have learnt to appreciate my family, even though we are not as close as I’d like I value them so much more. I look forward to warmth, love, my mom’s dog, my step-mums large family, the semi-drunken games played around the table. Still, I don’t feel I have a home. Since my parents divorced 3 or so years ago, and my family has broken apart my concept of home has pretty much disappeared. I’m not even going back to the ‘home’ we used to live in, but these temporary ‘places’ that are unfamiliar. 
That’s what I miss, something concrete, unmoving. That’s what God used to be fore me, but even though I believe in God, I don’t have a concrete understanding of who He is, I think He is impossible to know in fullness. I only have myself and I’m one of the least stable people that I know. Not that I mind being unstable, it keeps me from being bored I guess. Anyway, a quote from Garden State came to mind, and I’m aware how cliché it is to quote it. It pretty much sums up how I feel of home.

You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Shit, I just remembered I haven’t given my grandparents a call yet. They will have been in the country a week today. I guess I’ve been putting it off, it’s easy to tell through someone’s voice when they are not… well, happy I guess. Hopefully I’ll feel a bit more jolly tomorrow. I need to be, I’m going to a Christmas party after all. 

Dear God,

It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to you.
The truth is, I really miss you.
But recently I can’t say I really know who you are anymore.
In conversation, it was said recently to me that losing you would be like,
“the affect of breaking up with three girlfriends all at once”.
That hit the nail on the head, but what I dont know is if…
they drove the nails through your hands, and your feet.
“God, I need you”, I’m Selfish.
I miss having an objective view of who you are.
It made it easier to love you.
Love. The object of my devotion, eternally.
Give me the tools to serve an unseen, distant Lord and I’ll plough the fields, I’ll guard the temple, I’ll be a fisherman of men.
Show me love, and I’ll love you. If you really know my heart, you know that I desire to love you, because without you it’s been empty, empty empty.
Please come home, it’s been too long.


Sincerely,

The wayward son.

I wish I had someone who knows me inside-out, someone to talk some sense into me. Someone to help put things into perspective. Someone to tell me either to “stop being so silly, you’re over-thinking things”, or to say “wake up, what the fuck are you doing?”.